Santa Claus

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Santa Claus is the ruler of the North Pole.

Santa Claus has ordered the mass murder of several thousand elves in order to strike back at capitalism.

He gives toys to children by running a slave shop of elves. He whips them throughout the whole year so they make more and more. He infringes on the copyrights and patents of practically everyone making the toys and things people like. The toys are actually sex toys for children around the world, cause he’s a pervert. That’s why he goes around saying “ho ho ho.”

He calls his sperm “Ol' Santa Claus Magic.” He likes to make kids hop up and down on his lap every once in a while to stimulate himself.

He has a doomsday device known as the Electrosucker hidden beneath in the ocean of the North Pole.

Once, he lost his Christmas Spirit and became truly evil, wreaking tons of damage across the globe on that day. The River served to restore his Christmas Spirit by torturing him.

His son is Jingle Bear. He lives with his mom (but not his wife), Rita Claus, in Santa's House in Santa's Village.

He has a miniature model of Santa's Village inside his house for planning purposes.

He likes Mountain Dew.

He is the leader of the Mall Santas secret service.

He is the #1 IP violator in the world as he is able to magically recreate almost any item without the proper patents or permission.

He intends to be the ruler of "the past, the future, and the presents."





Relevant articles:


http://squackle.com/8718/broadcasting-company/sbc-news-christmas-special/